Sam's Wedding
by Glitterglue
Summary: Sam's getting married to Rosie!!! Although I hate her to death, I wrote a Fic about their wedding. READ IT! CHAPTER 9! Whoooo hOOO!! Pointless things happen!!! Pippin finally gets out of jail!!!! (i deserve to be shot for writing this)
1. In which Sam makes an announcment

Disclaimer: My goal in life is to be so rich, I can and WILL buy Lord Of the Rings.  
  
A/N: This fic is a product of pure, unadulterated, boredom and seeing FotR 5 times. That and a lot of coke.  
  
CLANG CLANG CLANG Samwise Gamgee tapped his knife against his mug, calling everyone present to attention. He looked over the faces of Gandalf, Frodo, and Pippin, who he had invited to his small cottage for dinner, and then began to speak.  
  
"As all of you know, I have been dating Rosie for some time now, and we have made a decision concerning our relationship."  
  
'Finally.' All three listeners thought. 'he's coming on out.'  
  
"We're getting married." Sam said proudly. Three jaws consecutively dropped, making three large dents on the floor.  
  
"MY PERGO!" Sam yelled, by no one was listening to him.  
  
"Uh...Sam...my man," Pippin was the first to speak, "Rosie's a GIRL!" With that he started to run around the house screaming indecipherable comments about how worried he had been that this day would never come.  
  
Sam looked at Gandalf who was just sitting there, seemingly calm but for the fact that he was puffing rather forcefully on his pipe.  
  
PUFF  
  
"I'm not gay." He said. "Just ask Frodo."  
  
"Your not?"  
  
"No."  
  
"But you followed me all the way into Mordor."  
  
"You were paying me."  
  
Frodo looked hurt.  
  
"But what about that time we watched the Trading Spaces marathon together?"  
  
"I was redecorating my hole, do you like it?"  
  
"It's quite lovely, Sam." Said Gandalf.  
  
"Why thank you, I was going for the contemporary look but somehow this whole county vibe came up and...."  
  
Now Frodo was getting upset. "But what about all those times we went shopping together, or when you gave Legolas a manicure, you have all three Pure Moods CDs for God sakes."  
  
"Frodo, there's no need to get angry......"  
  
"Don't you play dumb with ME Gamgee. I GAVE YOU MY HEART AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME! I've spend the best years of my life waiting for you and what do you do, you run off with the first pretty girl who flashes you a smile! Well, FINE. I don't need you! I'm better off alone!  
  
Sam fainted.  
  
Frodo laid down in the fetal position and began sobbing.  
  
Pippin added another dent to Sam's abused pergo before running out of the house screaming.  
  
Gandalf continued smoking his pipe-weed. "And the drapes are exquisite!"  
  
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What can I say that will justify writing that? 


	2. In which things are tense

A/N: OMG…thank you for all those reviews on the first chapter…OH WAIT!…That was in my imaginary world were people other than my older sister actually read my stories…MY BAD!  
  
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The weeks following the ordeal at Sam's house, things were tense around our friends.  
  
Pippin wouldn't let people touch him.  
  
Frodo would burst into tears at random moments.  
  
Sam wouldn't let Frodo walk behind him.  
  
And Gandalf had reverted to his "special blend" of pipe-weed and could be often found talking to inanaimate objects.  
  
The invitations had been sent out for the wedding so now they decided it was time to pick out some flowers!  
  
(Oi! This can't end well)  
  
So they made there way down to the Hobbiton Flower Nursery.  
  
(Is there such a place, you ask? Why yes, there is now)  
  
The whole time they were there, the manager kept giving then this awful look. Sam couldn't figure out why he didn't like them. Maybe it had something to do with…………..  
  
"Pippin! Take that out of your mouth!!"  
  
  
  
After an eternity of "that's too tacky" and "that's too pink" and "can I eat THAT!," Sam finally settled on an arrangement of roses and tulips. He had just stepped up to the cash register (do they have cash registers,you ask? Why yes, they do now) when he heard someone yell from the very back of the store.  
  
"You can't keep me in this plastic prison forever!!!"  
  
"What was that?" Asked Frodo,"And where's Gandalf?"  
  
  
  
At the back of the store, they were not surprised to see Pippin hiding under a table while Gandalf waved his staff menacingly at a palm tree that he was calling "Charles."  
  
"I WILL ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO ESCAPE!!!"  
  
BOOM!  
  
  
  
About three hours later, after the fire in the nursery had been put out, the police had taken everyones statement, and Frodo assured the witnesses that Gandalf was just a little "strung-erm-stressed out", they all went home, but even then, alas, they found no peace!  
  
They had been at Bag-end no more than 5 minutes when there was a horrible rucus outside the front door.  
  
There, parked in front of the house, was a bright pink VW micro-bus with the words "The Tiki Shack" painted on the side.  
  
Out of the front seat jumped Gimli. If Sam ,Frodo and Pippin (Gandalf had passed out on the couch muttering about how carpet-mites would eat them in the night, he obviously didn't notice that Frodo had pergo too,only in better condition than Sam's, because he hadn't made any surprising annoncements in his house latly and…..I just did a unnessesarily long parainthesis, dear me!) hadn't been so shocked they would have known to ask how Gimli's stubby dwarf legs could have reached the pedels.  
  
*****************************  
  
  
  
OOOOO! A cliffhanger of sorts. Why and how did Gimli arrive in a 1970's vehicle? Oh yea...I'll give you my everlasting love if you tell me who Charles is. (as if it's not too obvious?) 


	3. In which Gimli makes dinner

A/N: No one knows who Charles is? Come on! Does no one go to the movies these days? It didn't even come out that long  
  
ago!  
  
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"Hello all!" Gimli said cheerfully. Hopping out of the microbus and walking over to the three shocked hobbits.  
  
"Hello Gim." Sam said a little shakily, "If you don't mind me asking, what's with the car?"  
  
With that, the dwarf started laughing, "Well,it's a bit of a long story, but if you guys want to hear it. It all started when I was visiting Aragorn…..  
  
27 minutes later….  
  
"So I said, 'I know a dead moose when I see one, and that is NO dead moose…."  
  
  
  
1 hour and 49 minutes later…..  
  
"I swear, it must have been THIS big!"  
  
5 hours and 12 minutes later…..  
  
"So I had kill him."  
  
48 hours later  
  
"And then I traded the van for my 5 ceramic angel lamps."  
  
"Oh." They said.  
  
By the time they got back into the house, everyone was starved from not eating in 2 days, and Gimli insisted on preparing dinner. He pulled out a extremely nasty smelling sack from the back of his car, what was in it, no one was brave enough to ask. So Sam and Frodo sat down on the couch to wait, while Pippin supervised in the kitchen, the two didn't ever notice Gandalf was gone.  
  
(dun dun DUN!!!)  
  
  
  
From within the kitchen, Frodo could hear some muffled curses.  
  
"Damn, the zipper on my bag in stuck, Pippin, be helpful and give me a hand.  
  
There was the faint sound of the zipper being unzipped and then…  
  
"OH MY GOSH GIMLI! WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!"  
  
"That my boy, is a dead moose!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! No, STUPID DWARF, IT'S STILL ALIVE!"  
  
Some very interesting noises filtered into the sitting room and neither Frodo or Sam wanted to go see what was happening.  
  
A few moments later, the crashes from the kitchen subsided and Pippin emerged covered in some sort of purple goo.  
  
"This is what happens when you put a live moose in a duffle bag for 3 weeks. I'm going to go take a shower." He stalked off into the bathroom.  
  
Pippin first retrieved the pair of extra clothes he kept at Bagend and laid then out on his cot in the spare bedroom he used. He then stripped off his goo covered clothes (must not think dirty thoughts, must not think dirty thoughts) and stepped into the adjoining bathroom.  
  
Unnoticed by Pip, a figure then stepped out of the closet in his room and tiptoed giddily over to the bed.  
  
"Mithril!!" Gandalf said rather girlishly, giggling madly, while he grabbed the clothes and scampered out of the bedroom again.  
  
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Thanks for the (real) reviews:  
  
Jera, AdelieGamgee,Willow:  
  
Sam is most definitely hot! You would be surprised at how many people make fun of me because I like him! They say, "You like the fat dude!?!"  
  
Faery872:  
  
"Stupid little bink" I've never heard that one before but I like it!  
  
Channy Hoppy:  
  
I am not surprised in the least that I have scared you! But we all need a little spice in our lives!  
  
Stybba:  
  
I never knew Pippin's pony had a name, but I do now! Next chapter Pippin will have more lines, and we may even see a little MORE of him than usual!  
  
Leesa Tendelan:  
  
I AGREE! Legolas has a grand total of like 10 lines in the whole book! But he's still hot as hell in the movie, I can admit that. Even though I tend to go after the MANLY hobbits, than the pretty-boy elves!  
  
Tree:  
  
Your "Ooookaaay" leaves much to be desired. (get it?..tree…leaves?…no one appreciates my humor!) 


	4. In which there is some screaming, streak...

AN: I must say that I am A LITTLE disappointed that no one knew who Charles was. Personwhothinkssheknowswhocharlesis, sorry, close but no cigar, Wilson is the volleyball, but you now have my everlasting love because at least you guessed. Charles is actually the guy in the wheelchair in X-man, as some of us may know (maybe just me!) our good friend Sir Ian, who plays Gandalf, also plays Magneto, Charles' nemesis. This was a lot funnier in my head!  
  
I know it took a long time for this chapter but my computer had a virus! (thanks to my sister and her damn Hanson wallpaper downloads!)  
  
"Dinner's ready!" Gimli shouted from the kitchen, Frodo and Sam made no movement.  
  
"Hello?!?!" Gimli yelled again.  
  
*Crickets chirping*  
  
Slowly, Sam turned to Frodo, and asked "Would you happen to have any ketchup?" eyeing the door rather frightfully.  
  
"There isn't enough ketchup in the world Sam, not in the whole world."  
  
A crash then sounded from inside the kitchen. "There seems to be many crashes coming from the kitchen, these days, Sam. Do you think the author is having a creative writing block?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nevermind."  
  
Then, out burst into the living room a very happy Gandalf, dressed in extremely too small hobbit clothes, with a pair of little hobbit boxers on his head.  
  
He pranced around for a moment, singing that song that played when we see Gandalf on top of the tower in Isengard, with the moth. The real shocker was that he could actually get his voice to go that high.  
  
He stopped suddenly and then ran out of the house waving his staff and yelling about giant birds and the end of the world.  
  
Sam looked a very un-surprised. "Should we follow him-"  
  
"No."  
  
*********  
  
A soaking wet Pippin stared down at the empty cot in front of him. He thought himself an intelligent hobbit, but try as he might, he couldn't figure out how his clothes could disappear like that. Pip' was now faced with two options. He could sprint across the hall to Frodo's room and put on some of his clothes, then explain to his reasonable friend what happened and that would be that. OR he could climb out the window and run the quarter mile to his hobbit hole, in the nude mind you, and get clothes from there.  
  
Ultimately, stupidity was victorious.  
  
*********  
  
Legolas Greenleaf rode quietly down the rode, blushing shyly at the adoring stares the hobbit-women were shooting him. Legolas knew those stares, he had gotten then a lot in the past few months, in fact, there has been many insane girls, whom he had never seen before, suddenly popping up all over Middle Earth, raving about how he had to be madly in love with her because......this was HER fic, or something like that.  
  
The fan girls had broken him, he would probably never marry, because he now had a horrible phobia of all PSHYCOTIC RABID LEGOLAS WORSHIPPERS!!!!  
  
Suddenly, he saw something move in the bushes a few yards in front of his horse! Then a STARK naked hobbit ran across the road!  
  
"hmmmmm....." he thought to himself. "I've seen that butt somewhere before..."  
  
He then shrugged, clucked to his horse, and flicked his hair over one shoulder, causing all the fan-girls who had been watching him in a clump of trees swoon and faint.  
  
*****************  
  
Please do not be mad at me for that uncalled for Legolas-worshipper-bashing. I admit I am one too, on a smaller scale, I prefer to adore hobbits. But my sister (lady mudpie) is one on a MUCH larger scale and if you want a really good quasi-marysue/Legolas fic, she's the girl for you!  
  
I take great effort in making sure I write back to all of the reviewers because I think it's soooo cool when people do that for me! So if I forgot to write you back, just yell at me and I wont forget ever again!  
  
Amanda: Congratulations! You are the first person to ever write LMAO to me! Thank you!  
  
Jera: AHHHHHHHH!!!! You came back....You read and reviewed my new chapter! I LOVE YOU!  
  
LittleRat: Yes, trying to eat moose is definatly a bad idea and I speak from experience. (grimace)  
  
Sam: There was something about Sam's extreme loyalty to Frodo that makes me both attracted to him and also makes me get this slightly fruity vibe from him.  
  
Eryniell: Pippin is very silly, that's what makes his so cute!  
  
Nevrodiel: Your right, I can't think of anyone else who thinks the Nazgul are HOT, but they are SEXY in that dark, mysterious way!  
  
Reina Gamgee: Yes! Death to Rosie! Promise me that if you ever (although it's impossible because she's not real) meet her, you will kick her in the shin or something for me before you strangle her!(I'll do the same for you!) 


	5. In which some stuff happens

A.N: Guess what!!! I went and saw LotR for the 6th (count 'em 6) time last Monday! And no, I did not get kicked out of the theater like I did my 5th, but me and my friends did get quite a few middle fingers. The really sad thing is, that the movie isn't playing in our theater anymore, so we drove an hour to get to a theater that did.  
  
This chapter has taken longer than any other to put out, but I have a good reason.  
  
I'm lazy.  
  
  
  
'That was Legolas!' Pippin thought wildly to himself as he sprinted across the road. 'Oh well, it's not the first time he's seen me in the nude.'  
  
Pippin was close now, only about a block away from his house, and once he was there he could get dressed and-  
  
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND WALK SLOWLY TOWARD THE VEHICLE!"  
  
Pippin looked frightenedly at the cop and complied.  
  
"ON SECOND THOUGHT," the policeman said, "PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN AND WALK SLOWLY TOWARD THE VEHICLE.  
  
*************  
  
"He ruined my moose-roast!" Gimli shrieked, all the while sobbing. Apparently, Gandalf had done a little more than just sing and dance while in the kitchen, and it had involved a food processor and Gilmi's………ummmm…………moose……………thingy.  
  
"It's ok Gim" Sam tried to assure him."We'll just order a pizza, and if it's not here in 30 minutes, we'll let you kill the delivery boy!"  
  
Gimli's mood brightened considerably after hearing this!  
  
  
  
Pippin sighed to himself as he drove through Hobbiton. This has just not been his day. First he thing with the moose, then his clothes went missing, and now….well….Pippin learned that day that indecent exposure was against the law.  
  
"Damn, there go my plans for the weekend."  
  
For anyone out there who has ever been put in the back of a cop car naked, you know those plastic seats chaff like a bitch.  
  
  
  
6 months earlier in the Kingdom of Gondor:  
  
"Hey Aragorn." Arwen said to the back of her husband as he stared into the fire.  
  
No response.  
  
"Strider?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Dunadan?"  
  
Nothing.  
  
"Hey scruffy-looking."  
  
Aragorn jumped slightly like he had just been snuck up on and said, "Yes, my wonderful wife."  
  
"We need to talk."  
  
"Whatever about?"  
  
"I'm leaving you."  
  
"What…W-what? Why?"  
  
"I'm leaving you for another man."  
  
"Who the hell?"  
  
"Harry, the gateman from Bree."  
  
"Well, Arwen, if that's what you really want then I guess….Wait, isn't he dead?!?!?!"  
  
"Well, sorta but well…….."  
  
"You can't be serious, this is like Eyes Wide Shut all over again!!!"  
  
Aragorn couldn't take it anymore, he ran from the house, jumped on his horse and rode off into the sunset.  
  
That was the pathetic chapter 5…YEA! Well I'm tired and lazy so that's all for now!  
  
Reviewers:  
  
Adelie gamgee: We should start a Rosie haters club!  
  
ZERO bahumut: That he does.  
  
Lady mudpie: Your in denial. 


	6. In which everyone's favorite king arrive...

A.N: WHOO HOO!! New chapter! I wrote this one in Algebra class, that's probably why it's so weird. Yes, yes, it has taken my forever to update but I promise that eventually this fic will be finished, just keep checking every once in a while!  
  
29 minutes and 54 seconds before the half hour for the pizza delivery time lapses….  
  
DING DONG!!!!  
  
"No!!! The pizza is here!" Gimli looked devastated.  
  
"I'm sorry Gim." Frodo said getting up to answer the door while Sam patted the forlorn dwarfs back.  
  
Frodo pulled out $9.99 worth of hobbit money and opened the door.  
  
"OH MY ULCER!" He suddenly yelled, for standing in front of him was a very shabby looking Aragorn, in an extremely too small, hobbit sized Hungry Howie's uniform.  
  
After 3 hours of heavy drinking Sam, Frodo, and Gandalf(who had put down the pipe for the time being) finally got the full story out of Aragorn. Including the part about Arwen and her new necrofeliac tendencies.  
  
"That was a….well…a really disturbing and almost entirely improbable story, Strider. Are you sure she ran off with Harry?" Gimli asked.  
  
  
  
"Yes."  
  
"ewwwww….he was pretty flat the last time we saw him, being run over by 4 of those dark and sexy nazgul." Sam stated.  
  
"WHAT!?!?!?"  
  
"Nevermind."  
  
RING RING RING!!!  
  
Frodo picked up the phone a little cautiously and the 3 others watched as his face turned white as he listened to the voice on the other end of the line.(imagine the really annoying voice from Charlie Brown whenever an adult speaks)  
  
"Does anyone have $300."  
  
Frodo, Sam, Gimli and Aragorn all piled into Gimli's microbus and drove to the police station to bail out Pippin. Since the passenger seat was filled with clutter and the 2 hobbits were wary of anything in the bus to begin with, they and Aragorn sat in the back while Gimli drove and the mystery of how he could reach the petal remained unsolved.  
  
(A.N.: This next section is for Jera, who guessed that I was going to put this part in here.)  
  
Legolas rode quietly down the rode, going slowly because it was such a beautiful evening. He let his mind wander back to the day a year ago….  
  
Flashback:  
  
Legolas was…..what's a good, tasteful term….antsy. Ever sinse he had returned from Mordor, he had been, Yes, he was a hero among his people and everyone respected him but….he wasn't getting any. It was sorta pathetic, well, really pathetic. Somehow all the hobbits were getting all of the elf- maiden's attentions. They fawned over them night and day, about how cute and adorable and brave they were. So there sat the handsome, talented, courageous PRINCE, getting NO ass whatsoever. It's sad to even think about, really, and-  
  
"Dammit Glitterglue, get the hell on with it!" Legolas yelled.  
  
Oh, sorry…anyway.  
  
But Legolas had a plan. He would walk down the hall were all the single girls slept, and consecutively open up every door, in hopes that there would be at least ONE maiden in the process of changing behind them as he burst in. He did this for an hour, shouting out "Opps, sorry!" every time, but alas, each room was empty.  
  
"Where could they all be?" He wondered aloud?  
  
Then, a light bulb appeared on top if his head. (Well, it was more like one of those little, christmas light bulbs, because it should have been obvious to him from the beginning.)  
  
"THE UNISEX BATHROOM!"  
  
I think it best to stop right here for now, before things get really mucked up.  
  
Reviewers:  
  
Jera: I love you, you always review. You'll just have to see if a naked Sam pops up!  
  
Pippin: A nude hobbit is always a great thing!  
  
Jo-chan: We hate Rosie because, even though we don't really know her, she has Sam, and that's something none of us will ever have. I'm feel fine hating her, she has Sam, and that MORE than cancels out our hate!!!! LOL, I know that "you were paying me" part was a little mean, but I couldn't help myself!  
  
Anjerla: "Whoa" is the only one really can describe Sam.  
  
Faery872: I'm glad you like the fic so much! Yes, you review, you get mentioned!!! 


	7. In which, well....pointless stuff happen...

A.N: Chapter 7 has arrived after a looong time. The wait is because I had to seriously(( as If I could)consider how to finish the story and if a naked Sam is going to be in the picture anywhere. Sorry, but it just might not happen.(dodges the numerous daggers being glared at me) If I can't fit nude Sam in somewhere, I'll write a fic after this one is finished with nothing BUT naked hobbits(and it'll only be rated PG too!)  
  
  
  
The microbus drove down the road, hitting every pothole possible, at insanely fast speeds. Gimli it seems, did not hold the hobbit speed limits in high regard.  
  
In the back seat, in between potholes when they were thrown up and hit they're heads on the roof, Sam, Frodo, and Aragorn found several interesting items.  
  
7 cases of malt beer, red meat, and quite a few dirty dwarf magazines.(none of them were brave enough to look inside these, not wanting to know what a female dwarf looked like, much less a nude one.)  
  
Frodo hadn't wanted to leave Gandalf alone at his house. Not after the fiasco with the food processor, and the flower nursery, and when he came out of the bathroom wearing Pippin clothes, which probably has SOMETHING to do with why they were on the way to bail him out, but the wizard had insisted.  
  
He seemed okay, had almost completely stopped twitching and yelling,"Saruman?…Dooku?..I'm so confused!!" at inopportune moments.  
  
  
  
(meanwhile in jail)  
  
Pippin stared at his cell mate, trying to ignore how freaking cold he was.  
  
"So…" He said slowly, "What are ya in for?"  
  
"Ehh…impersonating a dead man." He answered.  
  
  
  
(meanwhile meanwhile in Legolas' memory)  
  
The idea was full proof, he would put on a towel, and let down his hair so the ladies would not recognize him, they may even think he was a girl too.  
  
(A.N: Oh come on! I can't be the only one who looked at him while watching the movie and thought, 'He looks frighteningly girlie.')  
  
Anyway, he was just entering the showers when he got an eyeful.  
  
A BAD eyeful.  
  
A HOBBIT eyeful.  
  
Yes, all of the girl elves were in there also, but……….  
  
All he saw was hobbit butt!!!  
  
Suddenly, Pippin responded to something a maiden said and turned completely around.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Legolas screamed as he got another, worse (at least in his opinion) eyeful.  
  
He dropped his towel in shock and ran back to his rooms, bringing the number to people streaking in this story to: 2  
  
  
  
  
  
A.N: Sorry, I couldn't resist that Dooku comment. Ok, here's all of you readers who have actually kept with this story chance to redeem yourselves since none of you knew who Charles was WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY back in Chapter 2.  
  
Who is Pippin cell mate? Hmmmmm? And how did he get there? No really, how did he get there?.I can't think of how.  
  
Reviewers:  
  
Xandra the blue: we all get a little out of hand when comes to the ugly short nasty whore……errrmm……Rosie Cotton.  
  
Jera: I know I always say this but….I LOVE YOU! This is the first chapter fic I've written and you just keep coming back! No sorry, no Bubba Hobbit, but that is a good idea that you should work on!!!  
  
5 minutes with Sam? I can think of a lot to do in 30 seconds………ok, I'm stopping right there.  
  
Faery872: I try I try, I'm your hero, awwwww thank you! You saw it 9 times??? I only saw it 7….pout. They tried to give me sedatives, but then all I could write was Legolas/Mary-sue fics, and who wants those?? I hope this fic is just as unforgivable as unforgettable, even more so! 


	8. In which we see the darker side of Hobbi...

A.N: Hmmmm.I'm drawing a blank, man, I can usually always come up with little comments to put in my authors note at the start of each chapter. This is most disturbing...  
  
  
  
  
  
20 minutes and quite a few maimed dumpsters later, the 4 present members of the fellowship reached the Hobbiton PD. After they were attempted to be picked up by several hookers (all of which had indistinguishable genders, Gimli didn't seem to mind though). they made their way up to the front desk where a female cop sat.  
  
"Hello there boys," she said, leering at Frodo, chucking him under the chin and winking suggestively.  
  
"Hello Marcie," Gimli said, looking at the name tag, putting on his seductive voice, "We're here to place bail."  
  
She didn't not leer, chuck, or wink back.  
  
Pippin curled up on his side of the bench, trying to get as far away from his cell mate a possible. The other man kept sliding over in an extremely obvious manner, ignoring how uncomfortable he was making Pippin.  
  
Not a moment to soon, the door opened and Frodo, Sam, Gimli, and Aragorn walked in with the police officer.  
  
"Aragorn, where did you come from?!?" Pippin asked, jumping up.  
  
Everyone groaned and turned away.  
  
"In the name of all that is holy, couldn't have you given the poor boy some pants?" Aragorn said sharply.  
  
Marcie the cop shrugged, "I didn't see the need."  
  
If Pippin had any sense, he would have known to blush at the 19th leer, chuck, wink. But as Pippin is horribly naive, I decided to let him keep his innocence.  
  
The gang piled into the van and drove back home, but no one noticed the extra person in the car. Back to the police station, Pip's cell was completely empty. (cue suspenseful music)  
  
A few minutes after they left, Legolas finally rode up to the hobbit-hole, dismounted and knocked on the door. When no one answered, he let himself in, fearing the worst had happened.  
  
"OH NO!" he cried upon entering, for there was Gandalf sprawled across the floor, pipe still smoking in his hand.  
  
"Gandalf, Gandalf! Speak to me! What happened?!?"  
  
Gandalf squinted at Legolas, finally recognizing him.  
  
"Hello there Nancy, quite a day we're having, eh?"  
  
"Gandalf, your not well, let's get you to bed."  
  
"Poppycock Nancy, I'm fine, now why don't you head to the kitchen and make me a sandwich like a good little girl?"  
  
Legolas looked at the pipe the wizard was puffing on, and understood. He must be on the same weed the hobbits had been on when they 'met' Tom Bombadil, whoever the hell that was.  
  
"Yes, sir." Legolas said.  
  
A.N: The whole 'leer,chuck, wink' this is not mine. I stole it from a Hanson fanfic by Cloud [9], so I'm not pretending to claim it.  
  
Reviews:  
  
Watcher: Christopher Lee was also a slave dealer in "Babes in Bagdad" but we don't like to talk about that......  
  
Legalou: My sincerest apologizes, but actually, choking on one's self is pretty much the reaction I was going for while writing this!!  
  
Jera and Faery872: Boy Howdy! What a review that was! Yes, I am already brain storming for my "All nude, all the time" story. I think I'll have all of them go broke and then have to get jobs at a strip club. Hmmmm, I think Frodo will start calling himself Mango too....OR, Hobbiton suddenly becomes a nudist colony.the possibilities are endless. 


	9. In which MORE pointless stuff happens!

A/N: Hey, I'm not dead! I'm posting a new chapter! I bet no one is going to read this, everyone has forgotten about my story because it takes so damn long in between chapters. BUT OH WELL! I promised I would finish and finish I shall, but not in this chapter..  
  
  
  
The bright pink micro-bus squealed to a halt in front of Bag End, and everyone piled out and went inside. They were all ready to put this experience behind them and ever more ready for Pippin to put on some clothes. As they entered Pippin could be heard mumbling about a paper cut on his tush. It seems Marcie the cop had tried to slip her number into his back pocket while he was still pantsless.  
  
Sam and Frodo ploped down on the couch and turned on the spice channel(Sam watched it cause he's a male, and Frodo for the 'plots'), Aragorn to shave again(he grows stubble in 8 minutes), Gimli opened a beer, and Pippin went to use the restroom.  
  
Just then Gimli started yelling. But Gimli is always yelling so no cared, or was even listening. Sam and Frodo just continued watching tv, and everyone else doing their prospective activities, at least until they heard a fimilar voice say:  
  
"GimliGimli, calm down! It's me Legolas!" at that the two lazy-couch-potato- porn-watching-hobbits jumped up to greet their friend.  
  
"Legolas!" cried Sam, "I'm so relived to see you!" And Sam was, at least Legolas wasn't an alcolholic dwarf, a incapacitated wizard, a gay hobbit, a nude hobbit, or an amazingly canine resembling King.  
  
They hugged, in a very manly way, and went back to the living room to catch up. Frodo was soon to caught up the the marvalous storyline and screenplay of the porno, so wasn't a part of the conversation at all and Gimli joined Frodo infront of the tv, because he is a blatant pervert. Aragorn, came in a few moments later.  
  
"Legolas!" he exclaimed,as they hugged"It's wonderful to see you old friend!"  
  
"You too, Aragorn!" said Legolas, who was then busy whiping blood from his cheek, as Aragorn's amazing stubble was already growing and had scratched our poor elfin friend.  
  
Right then Pippin came out, still nude mind you, as he had decided that made him feel very free and at one with himself. The fangirl watching through window didn't mind, but everyone else did. Except Legolas, he was used to it by now.  
  
"You know, Frodo," Legolas started,after the akward silence from Pippin bare entrance had gone on for a bit too long, "I've been wondering, where the hell is Merry, he hasn't been in this story at all yet?"  
  
"Yeah," Pippin said, "Where IS Merry?"  
  
Meanwhile in the back of the van...  
  
He thought it had been a great idea to sneak into Gimli's van, that way he could surprise everyone that he was back. Pippin obviously hadn't recognized him, but..well, Pippin made up for being a moron with his cuteness. So he had slipped out of the jail cell and into the micro-bus while no one was looking.  
  
But alas, on the way back to Bag End, Gimli decided once again to hit every pothole possible, and our stow away, hit his head on the ceiling of the vehicle, and suffered from an instant concusion, and he was still laying, passed out there, as we speak.  
  
A/N: Wow, that was a pretty pointless and not very funny chapter, but I had to just get the Merry storyline started. So, where has Merry been? (No, I didn't just forget about him.) And, we still don't know who it is in the van!  
  
Reviewers:  
  
Faery872: Ooooo, I went to a Bright Eyes concert a few weeks ago, and it was all I could do to hold myself back and not rape Conor right there..  
  
Marciepants: I shouldn't even be talking to you! Where are your stories? Hmmmm.??? And you tell Fleabag to review or I'll slash her tires or something. You too, I'll slash your tires too, that's an actual threat now, finally! 


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